Web Designers

You need a website. You've realised that it's a job for professionals. Step one overcome. But now comes the difficult part: choosing your web designer. Far be it from me to try and influence your decision, but here are some essential qualities to look for in your web designer.

First off, height is important. Your web designer should not be too tall or else they're likely to be too far away from the screen to be able to work effectively. Similarly they shouldn't be too small as they won't see over the desk. An ideal height for a web designer is about 5 feet 10 inches.

An often overlooked aspect of the design process is the designer's sporting allegiances. For instance, a Manchester United fan might be in such a cloud of smug superiority that (s)he expects the project to get to number one on Google every year and is slightly disappointed if for instance they only get to number one on Ask Jeeves and come second in Google. They probably just sit back and wait for it all to happen. A Torquay United fan on the other hand may be so resigned to failure that they daren't invest any energy in trying to produce a result. Bona fide empirical studies have conclusively shown that, due to their ideal combination of impassioned optimism and diligent pessimism, Manchester City fans make the best web designers.

Have you ever considered an ideal weight for your prospective web designer? No? Then you could be in danger of making a critical error. A web designer who is too slim has obviously spent far too much time away from their desk. Conversely, an obese web designer may be in danger of collapsing before your project is complete. Your web designer should ideally have a BMI of around 28. This is indicative of a web designer who has spent many hours in front of a web browser learning their craft.

Your web designer should have a pleasant sounding first name, something like Phil, which is Greek for "love" and a more austere surname of French origin, like Houghton, which indicates a level of seriousness not always present in his blog entries. Your designer should have around 6 years of programming experience working on a mission critical banking application with one of the big banks, for instance, HSBC. This would indicate they have a serious approach to coding in an efficient, thorough and robust manner. Finally they should own a company that has a name like Dreamberry as companies called Dreamberry have been proven by independently audited studies to be up to 5 times better than companies not called Dreamberry.

So that's "web designer Manchester City fan Dreamberry Phil Houghton BMI of around 28 5 feet 10 inches HSBC" then?